Sunday, August 1, 2010
de·pres·sion: the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4. sadness; gloom; dejection.
5. Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
I'm going to take a risk today and blog about myself. I'm reluctant to be transparent about my feeling because I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I think this will surprise the many people who thought they new me. There are a lot of things I hide. I'll share some of them.
Only few people know I suffer from depression. I'm currently on anti depressants for it..but I have mixed feelings about it. It wasn't really until I was "diagnosed" with depression that I honestly started to come to terms with how traumatic my life has been. I was strongly advised to try medication. I refused for a while because people told me that I was selfish for even "feeling" depressed. That I should keep my issues to myself. SNAP OUT OF IT! (MY FAVORITE ONE) oh there's nothing wrong with you! Your just young! I started feeling guilty for taking my medication because I was more afraid of what people would say or think. Everyone has an opinion on I should feel.
But no one understands some of the things I've been hiding.
Today I honestly feel horrible. I feel hopeless. I feel extinct Extinguished fat useless rushed. Just coming up with the words to try to xplain how hurt I feel is exasperating. A lot of people say "don't say that! Why would you say that about yourself?" Because its the truth. Who can you trust nowadays with your feelings without being judged or made fun of? Who cares about your feelings at that?
I'm tired of the religious advice to. I don't have enough faith so I'm depressed? Oh really. Interesting because the last time I looked in the dictionary and looked up depressed it didn't say: lack of faith in God.
Some people just don't know to to keep their thoughtless opinions to themselves. (Sigh) I dunno...maybe this will pass. I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. I just figured that I can remind myself I'm not crazy and I'm not making this stuff up.
Btw..I'm getting a little discouraged about 2012 conspiracy theories. I'm not saying that I do or don't believe it. But telling someone my age or younger that we have two years to live makes me look forward to nothing. If the world was really coming to an end in two years then what's the point of going to school,getting married,having children, dreams goals and ambitions? I'm always paranoid that I'm going to die a slow d painful death. What will happen 2012? I don't even care anymore I just don't want to Feel it.